


You Leave Me Deathless

by asjhsjhdfk



Category: Hercules (1997), Hercules: The Animated Series
Genre: F/M, but nobody's gonna read this anyway so whatever, but somehow hades still ends up in a fight with demeter over his love interest LMAO, i switch tenses a lot bc i can't figure out which sounds natural, it's disney hercules so hades and persephone aren't a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-07 07:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21454429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asjhsjhdfk/pseuds/asjhsjhdfk
Summary: When a mortal woman happens upon Hades' abandoned temple, he manages to escape the River Styx for the first time in several years. He also might strike up a deal with Zeus that nearly destroys the world. And fall for that aforementioned mortal woman. Business as usual.
Relationships: Hades/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 135





	1. Introduction: A Walk in the Woods

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been a massive Hercules fan since I was literally 4. I'm trying to rewatch the series but idr how they portray Demeter's personality so if she's OOC forgive me lol

As with most decent tragedies, this story begins with a woman walking alone in the mountains.

The late afternoon sunlight filtered through the trees, landing in haphazard strokes across the overgrown pathway, threatening to turn to darkness at any given moment. You had left a few hours prior but were, as you can probably guess, lost. Your original goal was to find some sort of a plant that your mother had requested that you retrieve, but by this point, you could barely conjure up the image of its leaves in your mind. You would have happily settled for finding a route home, but the pathways seemed to have been carved for no other purpose than to lead people on long, meandering walks through stretches of forest that all looked the same.

That is, until you came across a temple.

It looked no different than a crumbling heap of stone at first, but as you got closer, you could make out some columns. Illegible words and indistinct scenes were carved into some of the larger pieces of fallen stone, behind which was a doorway. Ignoring the way the hairs on your arms stood on end, you ducked into the temple—and were surprised to find the inside mostly intact.

Centered against the back wall was a massive statue of a man—a deity?—with a hooked nose and hair that seemed to curl in on itself like flames. His face bore a menacing grin and his strange robes seemed to conceal a figure neither as strong and hulking as Zeus nor as boyish and lithe as Hermes. As you approached, the changing angle of the light—which came down only through a single skylight carved into the ceiling—made his grin appear more manic and crazed in one instant, and more sinister the next. Finally, you could make out the name carved into the pedestal— “Hades”. You should have known.

“Wow. They really left you all alone here, huh—”

A canine howl sounded out through the woods. Too close for comfort. Glancing around the room, your eyes fall on a wooden table with two dusty bottles of wine. You poured some into a wide-brimmed kylix and took out some bread and cheese from your pack. _Here goes nothing. _

“Lord Hades, please accept this offering, although your temple looks to have been abandoned...I only ask in return that you spare my life from whatever dangers lurk in these woods as I set out on the dark path home.” You set the offerings on the pedestal and prostrated yourself, your forehead grazing the cold stone of the temple floor.

And, at that moment, in some distant cave, a certain God of the Dead pulled himself to the surface of a maelstrom of tortured souls for the first time in several years.


	2. Skeleton Crew

“Get me out of here, godsdammit!”

“We, uh, can’t reach! Milord!”

Pain and Panic crawl over themselves frantically, trying to extend their hands to their overlord while dodging the grasping hands of the countless dead.

“You guys are useless! How did I even get up here, anyway?! Certainly you two birdbrains didn’t help!”

“Well, actually, Your Morbidness, it seems a human has, uh...made an offering? At your…temple?”

“What? That’s impossi— I mean, yes, of course they have, go fetch them IMMEDIATELY!”

“On it!” 

* * *

You barely have time to scream when the two demons (at least, you guess they’re demons) appear. They seize your arms and the three of you disappear in a puff of smoke. When you open your eyes again, you nearly faint.

“Hey! Mortal! Don’t you dare faint before you haul my ass out of this pit!”

Unsure of what to do, Pain and Panic push your swaying body to the very edge of the abyss, and you nearly fall in. Thankfully, the furious gaze of a blue man with flames on his head is enough to send you scurrying backward. You shake your head and peer once again to the..._person? thing?_ ...thrashing around in the water. And then you notice the water is made up of millions of translucent, limp bodies, and that the man’s hooked nose and snarl are the same as the one on the statue you were just looking at, and...oh. 

“H-hades?”

“Yeah, yeah, hurry up and get me out of here or I’ll pull you down with me.”

“Rope?” You look pointedly at Pain and Panic, who just stare at you blankly. “Do you guys have a rope? I can’t reach by myself.”

The two look at each other and shrug in unison, holding hands and transforming themselves into a long piece of rope. You tie one end around your waist and throw the other to Hades, pulling with all your strength. You swear you can hear the rope shrieking in pain, but you ignore it until the god has been fully removed from the grasp of the souls, and flies upward in a burst of flame and victorious yelling.

After a long moment, he returns to the ground and extends his hand to you with a sleazy grin. “Hades, pleasure to meet you dear, welcome to the Underworld, what can I do you for.”

“Uh...why were you...in there?”

“Long story. Don’t like to talk about it. Anything else? Oh, I got one, what were you praying for at my temple of all places? Not exactly the Parthenon, if you get what I mean.”

“Uh. I was lost...I didn’t mean to end up there honestly.”

Hades’ face falls. “Right, of course not. I coulda guessed.”

“I was praying for safe passage home. The woods were getting dark and I heard some sort of animal.”

“Hah! Asking the lord of the dead for safe passage home? What makes you think I’m not keen on adding you to my collection?”

“I didn’t really have any other options.”

“That’s okay; I’m used to being everyone’s last choice. So!” The change in his volume startles you. “Since you’re my own personal devotee now, why don’t I have Charon give you a nice little tour of the area?”

* * *

Charon, it turned out, was pretty much exactly how you’d seen him depicted in his more...skeletal artistic renderings. Long dark robe; two empty sockets for eyes; a face that, lacking skin and flesh, seemed to be constantly smiling at you with two rows of perfect white teeth.

And he was funny. In a cheesy, ironic kind of way.

“Hades! You brought me a living visitor! Thanks for this, y’know, lately my evenings have been _bone dry_.” You snort, and Charon tilts his head lazily in your direction. “And you don’t seem to be scared of me, darling. Even better.”

Hades rolls his eyes. “Take the night off and show our little human here a good time, would ya? I got a plan to formulate. Stick to the touristy sights.”

“You got it, boss. I’ll have her back in one piece, unless otherwise requested.”

* * *

“So how’d you end up here, doll? Hades kidnap you?”

“What? No. Does he do that?!”

“Once in a while. If he’s in one of his moods.”

“Yeesh. Is he a god or a villain?”

You could tell if Charon had eyeballs, he’d be side-eyeing you. He shrugged. “Little bit of both, I’d say. Haven’t you heard the stories?”

“Sure, I’ve heard a couple...but I always thought people just made him out to be the bad guy since he’s associated with, you know, death.”

“Self-fulfilling prophecy. He got cast in a villainous role, so he became the villain.”

“What does he want with me then?”

“Hard to tell. That’s probably what he’s working on deciding right now, while we ride past the, uh…” A violent shriek rings out from somewhere ashore. Charon winces. “...Plains of Judgment. You didn’t do anything to bring this on yourself, did you?”

“I...I made an offering at his temple.”

“What?! That temple has been abandoned for decades. Centuries, even, or at least well over one century.”

“I was lost in the mountains and it was getting dark. There was some sort of animal out there. He’s a god! Isn’t it the gods’ job to help?”

“Hah! It’s the gods’ job to do whatever the hell they want.”

You smile at Charon’s tone, ignoring the alarm you felt at his statement, and lean in to trace a finger down the length of his femur through the coarse fabric of his robe as he continued to row. “You seem like a nice guy, though...why do you work for Hades?”

“I don’t actually have much of a choice in the matter, but even if I did, I don’t mind him so much. Funny guy, if you get to know him, just stay off his bad side. Speak of the devil.”

You raise your head to see a large, dark figure looming on the shore, lips curled into a bitter sneer. “Nice of you to join us. Do you. Have any idea. How long. You’ve been gone?”

“Sorry, boss. You didn’t summon me, so I figured you needed more time.”

“Yes, well, I wanted to see how long you two would continue on your little joyride without me having to interrupt.” Hades’ eyes fall on your hand, still brushed up against Charon’s thigh. Something unreadable flashes across his face, instantly replaced with a blank stare. “Don’t tell me my chauffeur and my very first devotee are consorting behind my back.”

“Jealous?”

“Maybe.” Hades turns to you and extends his hand as if to help you out of the boat, but instead jerks you towards him hard enough to make your arm ache. “Remember, sweetcheeks, I’m your way out of here. He just mans the boats.”

Charon scoffs. “I’ll leave you to it. Nice to meet you, darling. See you around...hopefully not too soon.”

* * *

As you watch the skeletal figure of your new friend row into the distance, Pain and Panic come tumbling down the nearest staircase and land groveling at Hades’ feet.

“We’re sorry, Your Most Lugubriousness! We were—”

“Save it, pipsqueaks. The first meeting of the Revenge on Hercules Task Force is now in session.” He manifests a table and you feel yourself tumble backward into a seat. “We’ll be starting with a debriefing on the different solutions being considered for implementation, then taking a short break for martinis and hors d'oeuvres, the—”

“Um.”

“...What.”

“Boss…”

“WHAT is it NOW, you little—”

“Behind you.”


	3. Heaven Helps Those Who Help Themselves

Over Hades’ shoulder stood—or rather, floated—a lanky man in sunglasses and winged sandals, holding some sort of staff and looking nervous as anything. “Hate to interrupt you plotting against his own son, but I got a letter for you here from your brother.”

“Let me guess. Not Poseidon?”

“If Poseidon is Herc’s real father, that’s news to me...and I hate to ask, but is that a LIVE HUMAN?!”

“Ugh. Give me that,” Hades muttered. The newcomer stared at you over the rim of his glasses, hardly flinching as Hades snatched the letter from his hand, scanning in quickly before bursting into angry red flames. “Summoned to Olympus?! What does he want now?!”

As though snapped out of a trance, the levitating man shook his head. “Might have something to do with, oh, I dunno, you resurfacing from the depths of the River Styx for the first time in five years? It has been five years, hasn’t it, Hades?”

Hades roared and grabbed your arm. In a blink, you found yourself gone from the Underworld. When you open your eyes, you’re greeted by a blinding light—and the sensation of free-falling from the heavens themselves.

“Oh boy," Hades deadpanned.  


He swooped down, leaving a trail of black smoke in his wake, and hoisted you onto his back. “You could really stand to lose a few pounds, babe.” With an audible poof, you broke through the cloud cover once more, and into what you could only assume was Olympus—a palace of clouds the color of platinum and seashells. “Gods, I hate this place. Stay on the edge of my robes and make sure not to fall off.”

He set you down. From behind Hades’ broad shoulders, you could see the massive golden form of another god, who looked...remarkably like…

“Zeus,” you gasped.

“Jeez, would it kill you to not sound so impressed,” Hades muttered.

“Hades!” Zeus boomed. “And...who is it you’ve got there?”

You inched gingerly around Hades, making sure to stay on his robes, and bowed deeply. “Your...majesty?”

“HAH! I like this one! Who might you be, dear?”

“Thiiiis is my very own devotee.”

Zeus glanced between you and Hades several times, and you felt your face grow warm under his scrutiny. “Is...is that true?! That’s fantastic! This is a great step forward for you, Hades, she might be just the motivation you need! Pleasure to meet you, dear! Thank you for giving my brother a chance!” Zeus extends one massive hand, but before you can shake it, Hades bats it away. 

“She’s mine. Don’t touch her.”

“Oh! Well...okay.” Zeus winks at you. “Come, sit down, we have a lot to talk about!”

* * *

Zeus pulled Hades along by the shoulders, leaving you struggling to keep up. You nearly tripped and fell off the edge of the trailing dark robes, and Hades seemed to have forgotten almost entirely about you, focusing instead (although halfheartedly) on his elder brother’s zealous bellowing. For all of Zeus’ intense volume, you only make out snippets of the conversation: “And if you think I still hate you, why, perish the thought! HAH! Get it? Well, anyway, my lovely daughter Hebe, not sure if you’ve met, gave me a long talk about the importance of forgiveness of all things—”

Your attention drifted to your surroundings. Massive banks of soft cloud, immaculate marble columns, gates of pristine gold.

And then you came to the pinnacle—to a long marble table lined with intricate thrones. Hades sat down directly across from Zeus and you stood dutifully behind him, half-listening to Zeus prattling on about some sort of rehabilitation program he wanted Hades to get involved in, but mostly staring in awe at the other deities who had begun to gather and take their seats. You only hoped that your staring wouldn’t be taken as an insult and get you turned into some sort of plant—each time a new god or goddess arrived, you did your best to bow in their direction. 

Eventually, the table was nearly full, and your eyes combed intently over the divine figures seated around it. Their eyes, in turn, were fixed on you.

After a few minutes, the man who had visited Hades in the Underworld arrived. He had to be Hermes, you decided. Lankier and more flamboyant than depicted in most artwork, but definitely Hermes. He caught your eye and offered a smile and a quick wave...a small gesture, but enough to make Hades suddenly aware of all the attention you were getting.

“Gods, would you just sit down here?” Hades pulled you onto his lap. “I hate having you looming behind me like that, sweetheart.”

You blushed. “S-sorry.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you swore you could see Aphrodite and Cupid snickering to each other and exchanging glances.

“Can I continue now?” Zeus huffed. Hera patted his arm.

“Actually, Lord Zeus, I think there is something all of us are wondering,” spoke a goddess donning a floral wreath.

“Demeter, yes, I know that the program might seem—”

“_Who_ is that _mortal woman_ on Hades’ lap?”

The table fell startlingly silent for a moment before the others started murmuring their agreement. Hades grinned. “Who, this? This little darling is my most dedicated follower and trusted confidant. Care to introduce yourself, babe?”

“H-hello.” You told them your name. “It’s an honor to meet you all.”

“My dear,” boomed a dark, imposing god with a large beard and stern face. “Tell us why, out of our whole pantheon, you have chosen to serve this sadistic fool!”

“OKAY!” barked Hades. “That’s enough about us, Zeus, you were saying abou—”

“He-Hephaestus? I hope that’s right…” The god nodded in affirmation. “I actually wandered into his temple by accident…” A beat, and the table erupted into laughter. Hades shot you a look that could level a village and turn its remnants to ash. “...But he is a god, just like you. Without him, humanity couldn’t go on. The world would be overcome by chaos. And he even saved me personally when I was lost in the wilderness and dangerous animals were closing in. I don’t know what he’s done to earn this disrepute—”

“Well, any of us could happily fill you in!” Hermes called out, to another chorus of laughter.

“That’s. Enough,” Hades hissed at you.

“—but I’m proud to follow where he goes. Even if it’s a lonely road.”

An awkward silence fell over the table. Hades’ grip was like a vice on your wrist; his other hand reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Y’know what? Let’s get back to that rehab program you were talking about, bro,” he spits. 

“Ahem, yes, well—” Zeus continued.

“Not happening.”

“Why are you so hungry for power, anyway? What is it that you would change so drastically?”

“I wouldn’t have to spend all my time with dead people, that’s for sure!”

“You don’t have to do that now! Isn’t that what you created minions for?!”

Hades stood, and you scrambled to your feet to follow as he slowly, dramatically circled the table and leaned right into the face of his brother. “You wanna see what happens when I leave the Underworld and put the minions in charge of getting shit done?! Fine. Let’s make a deal. For one week, this lovely little bird and I will go on vacation. If everything goes smoothly, I’ll leave you and yours alone and be satisfied knowing that I’m free, at least to some degree. But if, or should I say when, my realm explodes into chaos that spreads to the human world and ruins everything for everybody, you have to agree to personally switch places with me for six months out of each year. I’ll train you myself.”

Zeus stared warily at Hades’ outstretched hand. One by one, different Olympians quietly chimed in their own opinions on the situation. Hades was silent, watching with a sneer until Apollo spoke. 

“Don’t do it, milord. That chaos that he speaks of is no different than the horrors he would unleash if given free rein over any dominion beyond his own.”

“So you admit it then,” Hades growled. “That while you guys are all up here, having fancy parties, basking in each others’ glorious company and enjoying the offering your devotees leave you, I am stuck down there with Pain, Panic, and the souls of the damned, practically enslaved by my own position.”

Each word was punctuated with a sharp step toward the proud sun god, the last of which sent you off balance, tumbling off the edge of Hades’ robes and once more through the clouds. 

Hades plummeted after you and shoved you onto his back.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!”

He sighed. “Don’t worry about it, kid. You’re the only one actually on my side, after all.”

When you broke through the clouds, arms still thrown around the neck of your “savior”, you looked around at your divine company with a startled, sheepish smile. You locked eyes with Aphrodite, who just as soon looked away, stifling a grin beneath one perfectly-manicured pink hand.

“Should I shoot them?” Cupid murmured.

“I don’t even think that’ll be necessary.”

“Hades, you have yourself a deal.”

“I...I do?”

“It’s not fair, to force you to spend eternity feeling like a slave, based on a wager made so many thousands of years ago. If the trial period proves as bad as you say, I, Zeus, will switch places with you for six months out of each year...provided that you swear not to use the power invested in the Olympian throne for evil or _unsavory_ purposes.”

Hades’ face split into a manic grin and he eagerly grabbed his brother’s hand. The entire sky seemed to darken, illuminated only by a blinding green light emanating from their handshake. Small lines and shapes appeared on each god’s hand, tracing themselves out and arranging themselves into a sigil—an inextricable reminder of their deal and the mutual oath protecting it. 

And, as soon as it started, it was over.

Hades turned to you. “Come on, sweetcheeks, let’s pack our bags for Elysium.”


	4. Trouble in Paradise

“Hey, uh, so. Not that I don’t want to see Elysium, but what do you still need me here for?”

Hades shrugged. “Morale, I guess. I haven’t had a real follower of my own since…” He paused to count on his fingers. “Well. Ever?”

“Who built the temple, then?”

“Ugh, some Spartan warlord. He later ‘saw the light’ and switched over to Ares, like, y’know, every other Spartan warlord. Bada bing. What can I say.”

“So, why, _really_, do people not worship you. I mean, even out of obligation. Like me.”

Hades looked at you flatly. “I have a reputation for being what people call ‘_bad news_’. Thoroughly undeserved, of course, but I was surprised that you hadn’t heard.”

“I knew about your reputation.”

“Oh? Then why do you ask?... Or, better yet, why did you visit my temple? Help me out of that pit?”

You looked away. “I told you why I ‘visited’...but I helped you because of what I told Hephaestus. And, well, you didn’t choose to be Lord of the Dead, yet the mistreatment that title has earned you is what drove the other ‘evil’ stuff, right? Although I still can’t say I know what ‘evil stuff’ you’ve actually done…”

“See, you get it! I’m the victim here!”

“In some ways, yes. But I think you get a little too caught up in that mindset.”

A beat of silence. “Duly noted. Shouldn’t you be packing?”

“How? All my stuff is back home.”

Hades waved one spindly hand dismissively. “I’ll just have Pain and Panic fetch it for you, and manifest whatever else you need. Wanna send a note home for Mom and Pops? ‘Hey guys, I’ve run off to Elysium with the Lord of the Dead, be back in a week, don’t worry. Kisses!’”

Your lip quirked upward. “Actually, yeah.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, don’t steal my exact words!”

* * *

Within the hour, Charon was rowing you guys off to the shores of the Isle of the Blessed, looking questioningly between the two of you.

“Got something to say, Ghost Rider?”

“I’d throw my hands up defensively, but I’m rowing.”

“Good. Keep it that way.”

You furrowed your brow at Hades. “Why are you so mean to him?”

“He’s an old friend.”

“And lover.”

“You having fever dreams again or what? See, I told you you haven’t been the same since your last detour through Tartarus.”

“Tartarus? Oh yeah. Your mother says hi.”

“Watch it.”

“What’s she gonna do? Kill me?”

You snorted, and both Hades and Charon looked at you. Charon chuckled along briefly as you came to the edge of the sand. As he pulled the sleeves of his robe up and dragged the boat dutifully onto the shore of the white-sand beach, Hades rolled his eyes. “We got a private villa, since it’s probably not the best idea for me to interact with the residents here.”

“Why not?”

“Like I said, I’m bad news. No room for bad news in paradise.”

“Is that why you don’t come here more often? It is technically part of your realm, right?”

“No to the first part, yes to the second. Actually...Zeus structured this place so I'm not technically allowed in. But also, there’s just too much BS going on in other parts of the Underworld for me to worry about the only part where people can take care of their goddamn selves.”

“Won’t it be kind of boring here, then?”

“Relaxing, more like. Hopefully I can manage to keep you entertained.” The wink he threw you caught you off guard, but you barely had time to process it before a martini materialized in Hades’ hand and he turned his back to you. In the distance, you could see a villa that looked more like a dungeon overlooking the sea. 

You looked back at Charon, who shrugged. “Call me if you need me to pick you up early. Good luck.”

* * *

You soon found out that, despite Hades’ “unique” taste in architecture and interior design, the villa was as luxurious as you could have hoped for...and Hades got quite a kick out of showing off to you. At any given time you spent no longer than two minutes without a drink in your hand—each one more delicious than the last, yet never pushing you past the point of being too drunk, keeping you instead in a sort of happy stupor. And you two would dance, or go tanning, or sing karaoke, or eat vast amounts of food without gaining any weight. By the fourth day, you were indulging each other more than a little bit. 

“Dooo a butterfly this time!”

“A butterfly? How about a whole swarm of them.”

You laughed like a child and spun around in the onslaught of butterflies Hades molded from smoke. With a wicked grin, he stood and captured your wrists in his hands. You froze and looked up at him questioningly.

“So...skinny dipping.” You blinked and laughed. But Hades’ grin and intense gaze didn’t falter. 

“What, in the river?!” 

“I could always make us a hot tub instead.”

“You’re serious, aren’t you. I’m not going skinny dipping with a god.”

“Not _any_ god. Just me.”

“That’s even worse.”

His grin dropped to something between a grimace and a sneer. “How’s that.”

“I’m too shy.”

“You know, part of being a god is that I can know what you look like under your clothes whether you want me to or not.”

“....Wow.” You pulled your wrists away and glared at him.

“That...came out completely wrong. Forget I said that. What I meant to say was that you have nothing to hide, babe, and it’s not like I have the highest expectations ...you're a mortal, after all.”

“You just keep laying it on, don’t you,” you snorted. “Insult me again and I’ll have to start stripping.”

“Uy. Forget it.” Hades turned to leave, but you caught him by the arm and offered a bashful grin.

“Get the hot tub set up. Just promise not to mock me for how I look or anything.”

The look that crossed his face was absolutely predatory.

* * *

A few minutes later, you emerged from your bedroom wrapped in a thin towel that barely covered your entire torso. _Dammit,_ you thought. _I could have sworn these were bigger before…_

A handful of paces ahead of you, Hades sat in his newly-forged hot tub, the smooth blue expanses of his broad shoulders and thick forearms visible as they splayed out across the tub’s rim. 

He turned and looked casually over one shoulder, sensing your presence. “How nice of you to join me, babe. Have a seat right over he—” His voice died mid-sentence as he took in your blushing face and awkward stance. A raised eyebrow convinced you to avert your eyes and pad hesitantly over to the tub; you pulled your towel slowly upward as piece after piece of you disappeared below the bubbling water. When all but your head, your collarbone, and the top of your chest was hidden, you relaxed and grinned at Hades, who nearly startled. 

“Didn’t give me much of a show, did you,” he muttered.

“I never agreed to a show.”

He smirked, and you felt something brush your leg. “Thought you might want to pay me back for all of this?”

You returned his smirk. “Is that a tentacle under the water or are you just happy to see me.”

“I don’t know. Which would you prefer?” He was leaning in now, golden eyes burning like two hot coals—and you splashed him. “Ach! Is my hair out?”

“That’s what you get!”

“I resent that! A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed!”

“What makes you think that was a ‘no’?”

A silence fell over the two of you, disturbed only by the steady gurgling of the hot tub. Hades stared at you, and you returned the stare with a cheeky grin. 

“I’m confused,” he deadpanned.

“Oh, brother.” You swam over to him and placed yourself in his lap. He didn’t move a muscle, even as you wrapped your arms around his neck, only following you with his eyes. After a long moment, you let yourself start to drift idly away with a nervous laugh. “Sorry, I must have read you wrong.”

He grabbed you, flaring up in a panic. “No! No. Sorry. Get on with...whatever that was, then.” A look of forced nonchalance accompanied his vague hand gesture.

“I’m not really sure what it was.”

“What did you want it to be?”

“Well, tha—”

“Sire!”

* * *

The voice was shrill, but almost croaky, the way you had always imagined storybook witches to sound. Yet when you turned to face the speaker, you were surprised to see a small, pink demon with beady eyes that made it look...almost..._cute?_ You smiled as it descended from above, slowly, with effort, heading deliberately for its master.

But when you turned to Hades, he didn’t look amused.

In fact, he dumped you off his lap just in time to spare you from the flames of his rage.

“Gods. Fucking. DAMMIIIIIIT!”

* * *

The demon—Ulra, as you learned she was called—explained at length the different reports of chaos erupting above. Zombies roamed large swaths of the mortal world, the titans had nearly escaped twice, and so on and so forth. Her voice shook as she listed off the mishaps and peered, petrified, into Hades’ eyes, resisting the urge to cower from him. 

She was not sent as a messenger from Hermes, but as one of Hades’ own loyal servants, who came under the impression that he would want to know what was going on.

“Yeah? Well you thought WRONG!” At that point, she lost the battle and hid behind you, babbling her apologies and something about mercy.

Eventually, Hades collapsed in a beach chair and heaved a high. Ulra curled up in your arms, clutching at your chest for comfort, and you held her idly as you would a stuffed animal. You stared at Hades, but he paid you no mind except to wordlessly offer you another cocktail.

“Maybe we should go back and help?”

“The Big Guy hasn’t said anything yet, so nope. I did promise them a full week to get their shit sorted out.”

“You’re just gonna sit here drinking martinis while the world falls apart?! What kind of a god are you?!”

“I’ll have you know that this is every god’s favorite pastime!”

“Not when the destruction is completely avoidable and mostly their fault!”

“Don’t take that tone with me, missy. I’ll have Charon take you right back so you can suffer with the rest of them.”

“You know what? Do it! I should have never worshipped you in the first place! Maybe the fact that no one else did was my glaring red flag that there is something deeply wrong with you!”

“Fine. I don’t need you anyway.” With a snap of Hades’ fingers, Charon appeared. “Take this one here back to the mortal world. Seems not even Literal Heaven is to her liking.”

“You really are bad news, Hades,” you hissed.

Charon looked between the two of you. “Trouble in paradise?” A fireball nearly took his head off. “Bad timing. Sorry.”


	5. Like a Bat Out of Hades

Charon was quiet for most of the duration of the ride, and you could only hope that the sound of his oars in the thick water was enough to mask the heavy sighs and choked gasps your sporadically emitted to keep from crying.

After what seemed like several hours, he spoke.

“I can only guess what happened.”

“Talk about being abandoned by the gods, huh.”

“Not all of them...just him. I’m sure there are more than a few people upstairs who would be happy to help you get your revenge. Even if they think you deserve it for being so foolish.”

You glared at where Charon’s eyes should have been, but quickly gave up and looked away. “I don’t want revenge. I’m just disappointed. I really believed in him. And, uh. Liked him? I guess?”

Charon whipped his head—skull?—around to look at you. “That’s a new one,” he murmured.

“Yeah, well, don’t tell him I said that. Although he could probably already tell.”

“What exactly did you two—nevermind. I don’t want to know.”

“Nothing like that. He’s a flirt, but apparently I’m completely disposable, so…”

“Don’t take it personally, doll. I don’t even know if he knows how to care about anyone or anything other than himself.”

“That’s not much of a comfort when I’m literally heading back into a world that can’t be fixed without his help.”

Charon paused and bobbed his head in consideration. As if on cue, the boat pulled up to the mouth of a small cave. Somehow, although the unmistakable gleam of daylight illuminated everything outside, even the waters of Styx closest to the mouth were untouched, shrouded in darkness, save for the mystical blue glow that emanated from them. It was as though a thick, invisible curtain had been drawn up between the Underworld and your own.

Charon lassoed a stalagmite and pulled the boat to the very edge of the cave, where a narrow pathway crossed seamlessly between worlds. He paused and lay down his oars.

“Come here,” he muttered. A skeletal hand reached out and pulled you flush against his sternum. “We haven’t known each other that long, but...be safe out there. I’m fond of you, meaning that I don’t want to see you back here until you’ve lived a long, happy life.”

You buried your face in his robes and gave a wet laugh. When you drew back, your face fell. “I’m gonna have to face him again when I die, aren’t I,” you groaned.

Charon chuckled. “With any luck, your soul will pass through unnoticed. You won’t be nearly as charming without the face and body to match...no offense.”

“You’re killing me here.”

He winked. “That’s not my job.”

You pressed a kiss to Charon’s bony cheek and climbed off the boat. 

You followed the path and cross over to the mortal world, sparing just a brief backward glance.

And...you were immediately seized.

By a gaunt, cackling man with red eyes and crazy black hair.

Welcome to the end of the world.


	6. Hell Freezes Over

You came to in a cage in an unfamiliar place. The air smelled of smoke and unfamiliar herbs, with a note of something that made your stomach growl. As you pulled yourself upright, your captor looked up from where he was tending the fire and sneered. “You’re finally awake.”

“A-are you going to cook me?!”

“What? No.” He shot you a look. 

“Who are you? What do you want?”

“The name is Sisyphus. I used to be a king, but we’ll skip the formalities for now...there’s probably not much left for me to rule over at this point.”

“Master!” You recognized that voice. Sure enough, Ulra’s small, winged body appeared. She saw you and recoiled. “Oh dear! Oh no! Master, what have you done!”

“Quiet, you fool!”

“Ulra? You...you betrayed Hades?”

“Oh, no no no….” she babbled.

“AHEM!” Sisyphus interrupted. “As I was saying, I was a king, banished to Tartarus for, hm, let’s see, TELLING THE TRUTH.” This last part was shouted to the heavens, and answered with a loud boom of thunder. Sisyphus looked satisfied. With what, you didn’t know. “Anyways, I will not harm you. I’m simply holding you hostage. Ulra here has told me that Hades is quite smitten with you, so under the threat of your death, he won’t dare to even try recapturing me.”

“Hades?” You gave a pained, humorless laugh. “He doesn’t care about me at all; hate to break it to you.”

Confusion, then rage. Sisyphus turned and raised an arm to hit Ulra, but Ulra scrambled to her feet and flew frantically out of reach. “That’s not true, sire! They were in the bath together when I arrived! Naked! She was in his lap!”

You glared at Ulra. “Sure. But he’s also the one who sent me up here alone.”

Sisyphus’ eyes darted between you and the demon until he erupted in an aggravated roar. You rolled your eyes and shifted in the cage, trying to get comfortable.

* * *

Meanwhile, Down Below, Hades was already feeling the repercussions of his actions. He paced along the beach, martini in hand, arguing with himself. 

_ Who cares about her and her stupid mortal world. Mortals live and die in the blink of a god’s eye anyway. _

_ She’s your only devotee! She believed in you, and you just sent her to her death without thinking twice! _

_ Yeah, well, you’ve made it this far without any devotees, AND without any  _ l overs.

_ And you’ve been miserable the whole time! _

Hades yelled and threw his martini glass as hard as he could into the air…

….where it nearly hit a very out-of-breath and startled Ulra, who yelped and made a beeline for the shore. 

“You! You’re still here?!” Hades hissed.

“S-sire! You must come quickly! He has her! In a cage!”

The fury in his eyes could have leveled a small village. “Who does?” 

* * *

The instant Hades emerged from the Underworld’s main entrance, he was greeted by Hermes, frantically fighting off at least three zombies with his staff. “Hades! Thank the gods, get them off of me!” Without sparing a glance, Hades snapped his fingers and the bodies fell to the ground. “I owe you one, pal, listen. Zeus acknowledges his, em, mistake. His loss. Whatever you want to call it. Just...fix it! Please!”

“Too late, you bumbling blue bozo, I’m already on it.”

* * *

First stop, Hades knew, was somewhere he had never expected to end up—now or in the countless Eternities to follow. Each step closer gave him a new, more intense case of the heebie-jeebies. The statues in the perfectly-manicured garden seemed to glare at him. Approaching the house, the cutesy welcome mat seemed a sarcastic greeting at best, and Hades found himself towering at least a foot taller than the mortal-sized doorway.

With a reluctant sigh, he pressed the doorbell. 

Which was answered by a very angry-looking satyr.

“You!” Before Phil could slam the door, Hades extended one gruesome tendril. 

“Not so fast, Muttonhead.”

“Haven’t you caused enough trouble for us? Get lost!”

“Now, wai—”

“Sorry, ‘scuse me, _Lord Hades._ Let me speak somethin’ closer to your language. Get the hell out of here! I may be a satyr, but even I can tell that you’re BEATING A DEAD HORSE!”

“Phil!” A young man’s voice called from the background. “Did you say—oh.” Hercules appeared, drying his hair with a towel. He locked eyes with Hades for a long moment. “Oh, no. You’re not welcome here.”

“Herc! Buddy! My precious nephew, you’re all grown up now, I hear you, uh, settled down with—”

“With who?” Meg appeared, hands on her sharp hips, shooting daggers with her violet eyes. Hades tried desperately to force his grimace into a smile.

“Meg. Megara, darling. It’s been—”

“Shut it,” Hercules growled. “What do you want.”

“Well, you see. I. Uh. I need your help.”

* * *

“So, let me get this straight,” Hercules started. Hades shifted awkwardly in the dining room chair, far too small for his hulking form, and hit his head on the chandelier. “You came to me...for help? Because you need someone to, and I quote, ‘inconspicuously search the mortal realm for your devotee while you get your shit together’? That’s rich.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’d tell you to go ask your dad if you don’t believe me, but my bets are on his hands being tied right about now. I know you and your little posse live up here in _Idyll #56 Deified Heroes Lane_, but down there with the common folk, things aren’t going so swell.”

“Nonsense. Phil woulda told me if—”

“Well, uh, actually,” Phil muttered. 

“Care to share with the table, Phil?” Hades drawled. Hercules stared at his mentor questioningly.

“I, uh, just got word that, uh, things aren’t, uh, going so well.”

“Oh, no,” Hercules groaned. “Where?”

“Everywhere. Anywhere. Everything is absolutely fucked up, kid, we need to leave immediately.”

Hades stood too quickly and nearly busted a hole in the ceiling. “Nuh-uh-uh, that’s not your division. I need to fix all of this myself. Not even your father has managed so far. What I need you to do is FIND. THAT. GIRL.”

“Yeah? What’s that gonna do? Aren’t there bigger problems at hand than tracking down your little girlfriend?” Phil barked.

A beat of silence. “You know what, yes. There are. And I am telling you that I will take care of the rest of this mess. But I am here, practically begging for your help in this, and you have no idea HOW demeaning that is.” Hades whipped around to face Hercules. “I have no other options. She’s a mortal too, and a good one, not the type you’d expect to worship someone like me. When you meet her, I promise, you won’t regret having saved her from that wretch.”

Meg cleared her throat. “Who, exactly, is holding her captive?”

“Sisyphus.”

Meg and Hercules exchanged a glance, first with each other, and then with Phil, who rolled his eyes. “Fine. Count us in. But you owe us.”

“Sure thing.”


	7. Coming Out of Your Cage (And Telling Hades He's Fine)

You weren’t sure how many days had passed stuck in that cage, let out only to bathe or use the outhouse. The food, at least, you couldn’t complain about—Sisyphus seemed to have been a bit of an amateur chef during his mortal life and was well-versed in some of the most delicious meat recipes you had ever tasted. Ulra hadn’t yet returned. You wondered vaguely if she had returned to the Underworld—if she had gone back to deceiving Hades to his face, or if her work was done.

On what you guessed must have been the sixth or seventh day, He arrived—as recognizable as he was handsome, with strong features, bulging muscles, kind blue eyes and a shock of orange hair. You looked up at him, a glimmer of hope in your tired eyes, and he smiled knowingly, lifting a finger to his lips to silence you.

“Oi! You there!” Sisyphus squawked. “Step away from the cage and nobody gets hurt!” You snorted. _Of course he doesn’t recognize Hercules,_ you thought. _He’s been locked away all these years._ “Something funny over there?”

“No sir!” you called.

“Good! You with the orange hair, state your name and your purpose.”

“My name is, uh, Hercules. I’m here to strike a bargain with you. For the girl.”

“Oh yeah? Why would I negotiate with you? I’ve already escaped, and Hades won’t come after me while I have his little plaything. There’s nothing you have that I want.”

“I could offer you a mortal body.” Hercules gestured to Sisyphus’ arm, and for the first time, you could see that it was translucent. He was a phantom, a projection of his former self. It struck you that he probably couldn’t even taste his own food. “Or, better yet,” Hercules continued, “the body of a demigod.”

* * *

Miles and miles away, Hades collected the last of the wandering souls and vanished the bodies into thin air. He sewed rock and marble back together as though it were fabric and thread; he revived as many of the livestock as possible. Thieves and pillagers who had taken advantage of the chaos checked their pockets to find that their stolen wares were gone, returned to their rightful owners in the blink of an eye. 

Behind him, Meg smirked. “Looks like whoever-she-is turned you into a real upstanding guy.”

“Whatever. I gotta go reinforce the gates of Tartarus so that the Titans don’t get loose again; I’ll meet you back at your place in a bit.”

“Sir yes sir.”

* * *

“There’s only one small problem...a challenge, if you will, that you’ll need to overcome in order to prove yourself worthy of a semi-immortal body.”

“What’s that.” Sisyphus was nearly drooling at the prospect now.

“We’ll need to sneak into the Underworld to complete the ritual of exchange. Although, now that I think about it, you probably don’t want to go back there...are you really up for it?”

“Underworld? No sweat. Security has been a complete mess since the Lord of the Dead went on vacation.”

As if in a daze, Sisyphus unlocked your cage and immediately started off down a nearby trail. Hercules followed, turning back only to give a thumbs-up to you...and to a satyr emerging from the bushes a handful of meters away. As you rose and stretched your stiff muscles, the satyr trotted closer, and you recognized him as Hercules’ trainer—Philoctetes.

“Ph-Philoctetes? Trainer of heroes?”

“That’s me. Pleasure to meet ya, sweetcheeks. Hades sure wasn’t lyin’ about you.”

You tensed at the god’s name. “You’ve talked to Hades?”

Phil blinked. “Uh, yeah. He’s the one who sent out this little search party for you. Does that come as a surprise?”

“Yes, actually...he and I had a bit of a spat before I came back up here and met Your Majesty over there.” You nodded in the direction Sisyphus had ran off to. 

“Hah! I don’t blame you. Guy’s a real asshole. Hades, not Sisyphus, although I’m honestly surprised they’re not friends.” Phil plucked a stray leaf from his fur. “Let’s get going then. I’m s’posed to bring you back to Herc’s place to wait things out.”

* * *

Phil turned out to be a gracious host, albeit quite the sweet-talker.

“I was only supposed to be here visiting Herc to talk business, but when I heard the life of yet another gorgeous damsel was at stake, I just had to step in. Hey, when this is all over, I should show you my private island. You’ll never want to leave.”

You snorted. “Is that a promise or a threat?”

About an hour and a half later, Hercules’ face magically appeared in the hearth, leaving you coughing and sputtering over the tea Phil had prepared.

“Testing. Testing! Is this thing working?!”

In the background, you heard a puzzling series of noises: a grunt, a cackle, a crash, a low rustle like that of a snake slithering through grass, and Sisyphus screaming in terror.

“It’s working, Jerkules, get on with it,” Hades drawled. 

Phil rolled his eyes, adding another spoonful of sugar to his tea. “We hear and see you loud and clear. Respectively.”

“Aw, Phil! I respect you too!” Hercules flinched as a large boulder rolled behind him, trailed by a vicious-looking Hades and a massive, blurry, serpent-like figure. You couldn’t help your face warming up at the sight of the god, and you quickly averted your eyes. “Well, uh, heh. We’re wrapping up here. We should be done within the half-hour, and Hades is insisting on heading back with me, so if you want to find a hiding place for her…”

“What? No!” Hades shrieked. Suddenly, the entire frame was taken up by his smoldering eyes, hooked nose, and razor-sharp teeth. “Don’t move a muscle! I’ll find you if you do!”

With that, hearth went black, and you and Phil sat in semi-awkward silence. 

* * *

You jumped when the door opened, knowing who it was but not knowing what to expect.

“We’re home!” Hercules called. His smile was blinding. “Wait, where’s Meg? Didn’t she tell you she’d meet us here?” 

Hades shrugged as he ducked into the room, not looking at you. Hercules’ brow furrowed for a moment before a beautiful woman sauntered in after them, a smile playing on her plump lips.

“Fancy meeting you here. Took me a while to get home...not all of us have superhuman speed and endurance.” Her eyes trailed over to Hades, and you felt an unpleasant pang of something suspiciously close to jealousy in the pit of your stomach. “Plus, I wanted to check out the rest of Rex’s handiwork. Nice job on the Agora, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Hades drawled. The woman’s eyes scanned the room, and eventually settled on you.

“Ah. So you’re the one we heard about. Our very own Helen of Troy. I’m Megara; you can call me Meg. You should have met my beau already...you know, the one who saved you from the cage.”

You found yourself smiling at her without really meaning to, transfixed by her rich violet eyes and graceful stature. Hades cleared his throat, finally looking—well, glaring, really—at you, and you snapped out of it.

“Oh! Um, nice to meet you! How do you guys know each other?”

“She and I have history,” Hades sneered.

Meg rolled her eyes. “I’m not his ex-girlfriend, no matter how poor his choice of words.”

“Why would I care hahaha.” She shot you a look, and you cringed. “Thank you for sacrificing your boyfriend for today.”

Phil stifled a snort, but Hades guffawed. “Not the first time she’s sacrificed him, doll.”

You looked around the room in confusion, not exactly sure what you were missing. Meg pinched the bridge of her nose and Hercules laughed awkwardly. “Poor choice of words, I’m guessing? Not entirely sure why.”

With a sympathetic smile, Meg grabbed Hercules’ hand and shuffled him off to the next room. Phil scrambled to follow, still snickering. You watch them leave, wondering what you said wrong, until—

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Are you hurt?”

Tears welled up in your eyes and you launched yourself into Hades’ arms. He averted his eyes and patted you awkwardly on the back. “You sent them to find me. You came back.”

“Of course I did. I couldn’t leave my only devotee hanging like that. You know how rare it is that someone prays to _me_ for help?”

“I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

You don’t know how it happened, but somehow you managed to pull Hades down to your eye-level, and you kissed him—hard. The kind of kiss that finds your hands fisting the fabric of his robes. The kind that leaves you dizzy before you even pull away. His lips were practically still beneath your own, and when you finally let him go, he was staring at you in shock. “I’m sorry. I should have asked first.”

“What...was that.”

Your heart felt ready to jump out of your chest, and you shrunk from him in spite of yourself. “I, uh. Have feelings for you. And I know you probably don’t return them, but I wanted you to know, and to also know that once I get home I’m going to look into restoring your temple. Maybe even starting an order of nuns or something. Or at least a congregation of regular worshippers.” You grinned up at him, but he still just stared at you, tracing his lips with a long blue finger. “Thank you for saving me.”

After a moment, Hades shook his head.

And just like that, with a snap of his fingers, he was gone. 


	8. Hades Won't Say (He's In Love)

For all the reactions you considered, it hadn’t come to mind that Hades would disappear entirely without saying a word. You collapsed onto the nearest couch, wrestling with the threat of tears. You didn’t know how long you were sitting there before you heard a soft knock at the door.

“Sounded kinda quiet in here,” Phil mumbled. “Where’d the blue guy go?”

“I’m...not entirely sure.” You laughed bitterly.

“Did something happen?”

“Nothing I’d like to admit.” Your tone was clipped, and you noticed. “Sorry, I’m being rude. I should go.”

“Did he…? That jerk!”

“I don’t know what you’re assuming happened, but you’re probably wrong.”

* * *

Meanwhile on Olympus, Hades finally managed to get the last of the gods gathered at the meeting table. Zeus cleared his throat, still looking mildly frazzled from the day’s events, and got to his feet. 

“I’d like to preface this meeting with a big thank you to my brother, who gave us all a pleasant surprise by being less of an asshole than he usually is and stepping in when we needed him most. A round of applause!”

Scattered, unsure applause. Hades grimaced. “As much as I’d love to bask in you guys’ praise and adoration, we gotta get down to business. I have a proposal of sorts for you all.”

A long moment of exchanged glances, until Hephaestus raised his eyebrows and spoke. “Well?”

“So we all know that my, uh, beloved brother over here, failed to run the Underworld successfully for a week, and therefore has forfeited his throne on Olympus for six months out of each year.” The tension that swept over the table was nearly tangible: clenched jaws, sharp inhales, the whole lot. “However!” Hades took a moment to relish the feeling of so many eyes on him and him alone. “I’m willing to compromise further.”

A ripple of anticipation through the crowd. Again, Hephaestus was the one to break the silence. “Let’s hear it then.”

“I’ll continue to rule the Underworld and leave you guys alone under two conditions. The first being that I be granted more support and for gods’ sake, more funding to help me set up a functioning bureaucracy.”

“And the second?”

Hades took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You all remember the girl I brought up here last time? My devotee, sweet little thing, ke—”

“Yes, I think we all remember.”

“I want her to be made...immortal.”

The sound of all the gods jumping to their feet at once was deafening.

* * *

Above the subsequent clamor, Aphrodite’s voice rang clear and bright as a bel, stunning the company into silence. “I am in his favor!”

Hades did a double-take. “You...are?”

She sauntered to a nearby pedestal and leapt up with a supernatural grace and a dazzling smile. “You, Hades, are in love with her, are you not?”

“No! What are you—yeah, okay, fair, maybe a little. Okay, yeah, kind of a lot. I didn’t…”

Almost a dozen heads whipped violently between Hades and the _Goddess of Love_. The former sunk into his chair and rubbed his temples.

“HAH!” Zeus bellowed. “My brother? In love? My brother, Hades, in love! I never knew you to play practical jokes, Aphrodite—cruel tricks, yes, but never jokes! I like it!” A few others laughed nervously, but Aphrodite just pouted and returned to her chair.

“It’s the truth! He just said it himself!”

“Brother? Is it true?”

“Look,” Hades growled. “Are you guys gonna help me out here or not? I’m happy to stick to the original plan. Hey, Zeusy, why wait, let’s start training you tomorrow.”

“It is true!” Zeus gasped.

“Yeah. Are you happy? I’ve fallen for her. Her stupid mortal brain and weak little body and the way her face lights up when she eats. Now give me a straight answer so I can get back to...whatever it was that I was doing.”

“To her, you mean.” Aphrodite smirked.

“That’s none of your business.”

“And...does she want to be immortal?” Zeus interrupted. “Does she return your feelings?”

“Yes to the second part, not sure about the first. But hey, if she doesn’t, she can always renounce her immortality, right? Like Hercules did.”

“But Hercules was a true hero.” A new voice spoke. Apollo. “He earned his immortality. Your devotee may be a good woman, but she is, at the end of the day, just a good woman. Not divine in her goodness.” Murmured agreements. Hades sneered.

“Well, you see, I was anticipating this argument. And I’d argue, in return, that she is a true hero. She was willing to leave paradise itself to go out and try to save the world, knowing it was futile if I was staying behind. And.” He stood. “She inspired me—me!—to leave Elysium itself and fix the mess YOU ALL created! Knowing what you all do about how little I care about you, let alone about humanity, I dare you to say that isn’t an accomplishment.”

“He has a point,” Hermes muttered.

“All I’m saying is, this is a mighty generous deal I’m offering you guys. Not only will I take care of the Underworld and let Zeus—let ALL of you—go about your business, but I’ll be spending eternity with someone who, and it sickens me to say it, might actually be a good influence. So have it your way.”

Zeus looked pensive. “And...this girl. Where would she live? What would she do?”

“In the Underworld with him. And she’d rule by his side,” Aphrodite answered. Hades was taken aback by the blaze of excitement in her eyes but nodded in agreement. A long silence followed, the only sound being that of gods shifting uneasily.

“Well,” Zeus muttered, “Provided that the girl agrees...all in favor of Hades’ proposal, raise your hand.”

Only a few hands at first. Zeus himself, Aphrodite...Hera, surprisingly, Hermes, even more so. Hephaestus, but only after Aphrodite pinched him. Hades felt himself flare up. “Come on!” Apollo, eyes averted, raised his hand. Dionysus, too, after switching a mouthful of wine around in his mouth a bit. “That’s more like it.”

Athena raised her hand with a reluctant sigh, earning a gasp of betrayal from Artemis. “Far be it from my nature, sister, to shepherd a young woman into such a life. But...Hades.” Hades looked up. “I have never counted you among the wise. However, your logic is sound, if in this case only. You have my support.”

Artemis followed, not without baring her teeth at Hades. “If you mistreat her, I’ll be the first to come for you.”

“Point taken.”

Ares raised his hand then, feigning disinterest in the whole ordeal. “Whatever gets me out of here and back onto the battlefield faster.”

Hades’ eyes darted between Poseidon and Demeter. “You oldtimers sure are hard to please, huh?”

Poseidon studied his spear. “Hmph. Well, I’m not one to judge you for taking a mortal lover, although for all my conquests, I never took it quite so seriously.” He rasied his hand leisurely, almost smugly.

“What took you so long then,” Hades muttered. 

At last, all eyes fell on Demeter.

“I...cannot.” All at once, Hades seemed to deflate. “Hades, you should know better than anyone, this violates the natural order...the cycle of life and death. Hercules, it has been pointed out, was offered the choice of immortality because he was a true hero. This woman you speak of, good though she may be...did she rescue Olympus itself from the Titans? Give her life and risk everything to save another?”

“She would have, if given the chance,” Hades hissed.

“We cannot make exceptions for average mortals,” Demeter continued, “no matter how attached we may grow. She should return to your realm as intended. Once she has grown old and passed away.”

The goddess’ concluding statement seemed to strike a nerve. Hades rose and walked, ever so slowly, towards her, like a predator about to pounce on its prey. “Tell me, my lovely sister, did you check in on the mortals while I was away?” She shook her head, hesitantly. “Oh? Perhaps Zeus filled you in?” Again, she shook her head. Zeus looked away. “Oh? Well allow me.” Hades conjured up a village of smoke, surrounded by farmlands. “The fields are overrun with the undead.” Shadowy figures mimed his words. “Stores of grain, burnt, pillaged. Do you want to know how many livestock I had to revive? While you were up here in the clouds, doing even less to help than my precious little mortal devotee?”

“Oh, come off it,” Aphrodite snorted. “Auntie, I hate to stick my neck out for this lech, but—”

“I know.” It was spoken quietly, solemnly. “I could have guessed, Hades, without you telling me. And I thank you for stepping in and restoring peace and prosperity among the mortals. But you haven’t even considered how she might feel, beyond her feelings for you. Love is one thing. Immortality is quite another.” And then, with a snap of Demeter’s fingers, you’re there. You look into her eyes, as deep and timeless as the rest of her features. She grabs your body and turns you to face Hades. “Tell me, child, did you even know he was here?”


	9. A Star is Born

You stammered, breathless, feeling the subtle strength of the goddess’ fingers keeping you afloat.

“You can’t just yank her out of thin air like that!” Hades argued.

“I can, and I just have. You’d do well to remember that I’m just as divine as you are, brother.”

“That’s not the point! Sudden teleportation could send her into shock!”

“Where did you go,” you murmured.

Hades flushed. “Here, obviously!”

“Why? You didn’t even say anything...I thought you’d be happy.”

“That’s...stop! You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Lovers’ spat? Already? Maybe this proposal isn’t such a good idea after all,” Hermes quipped.

“Child,” Demeter interrupted. “Hades has come to Olympus to petition us to grant you immortality. Did you know of this plan?”

Your eyes widened. “What?!”

“I’d like the record to show that you are 100% on my shitlist for not letting me tell her myself,” Hades growled. 

“Go on then,” Demeter replied. You stared at Hades, feeling your heart slam against your ribs. “Tell her.”

“Uh...babe. Fancy seeing you here. Listen, uh…”

“Hades looooves you,” Aphrodite singsonged.

“What is WITH you people!” The flare from his shoulders nearly singes Aphrodite’s hair, and she skips away giddily. “I’m sorry for taking off like that, but uh. I think I’ll be okay, y’know, without the temple and the nuns and all that jazz...as long as I have you with me.” He grins, and Aphrodite returns, if only to elbow him in the back. “So, uh. I was wondering if you’d like to, uh. Become immortal! And...rule the Underworld! With me!”

In the euphoria that his words bring, you forget where you are, freeing yourself from Demeter’s grasp and attempting to run to him only to start freefalling once again.

When he flies after you and gathers you up in his arms, you kiss him.

Just.

In time.

For all of Olympus to see.

* * *

Aphrodite’s was the first voice you heard, a delighted shriek coupled with a few dainty claps of the hands. But soon it seemed everyone around you was cheering and applauding. Even Demeter couldn’t keep a smile from her own face. 

When all was said and done, Hades was left with his arms draped over your shoulders, flushed an unnatural shade of purple and staring at the top of your head as though wishing he could disappear into your hair. The Olympians formed an impromptu half-circle, eyes eagerly fixed on Demeter. You noted the hesitation in her face—this must be the only goddess against your being immortal, and yet you couldn’t find room among all the love in your heart to begrudge her for it. You looked around, and something in you drove you to speak.

“I’m sorry, everyone. I kind of feel like I stirred up trouble for you all...nothing like this happened before I came along and helped this guy back onto his high horse.” You bowed deeply before grinning up at Hades.

“Believe me, sweetheart, he never left,” Hermes called out. Others laughed their agreement.

Zeus approached and crouched down to your eye-level. You felt the full force of his divinity radiating off his skin, yet something in his mirthful eyes was disarmingly human. “Young lady,” he spoke. “My brother is the most tolerable—the most reasonable—I have seen him in thousands of years because of you. It’s true that you emboldened him to make the deal with me, and that the deal ended in ruin. But while you had no hope of fixing it yourself, your bravery awakened something in the only one who could fix it. I want you to know that almost everyone here agreed that you are a true hero, and that you should be ma—”

“Everyone.” The kind authority in Demeter’s voice was enough to make Zeus turn his head. You watched in awe as she slowly raised her hand. “Everyone agrees. So, should you accept Hades’ proposal, you will be made immortal and allowed to rule by his side. Congratulations, dear.”

You felt Hades’ arms tighten around you briefly before he pushed you towards Zeus to spare you from the excited blaze that overtook him. “YES!”

“So,” continued Demeter, “do you accept?”

“Y-yes. Of course,” you managed.

* * *

Something swept through you like a warm breeze. Your eyes fluttered closed. When you opened them, you nearly jumped at the soft golden light shining from your skin. Your hair, even your clothes, seemed more lustrous, and you were struck by an overwhelming feeling of comfort, as though you had never been tired, or hungry, or sick in your life. When you looked up, you locked eyes with Hades, who smirked and stole you back from Zeus’ embrace.

“Hey, gorgeous. Come here often?”

You snorted. “A couple times now. But I think _the Underworld_ is more my scene.”

“Hmm, must be a nice place. You gotta take me there sometime.”

“I’m ready when you are.” A thought struck you, and tentatively, you inched one foot off the edge of Hades’ robe. “Oh? I like this.” Before you could even process what you were doing, you found yourself running to Demeter and throwing your arms around her. “Thank you.” All of Olympus sucked in a breath—

—and the goddess laughed, and the sound was full of life. “My pleasure, dear.”

Dionysus was quick to fill glass after glass of celebratory wine, which was soon raised in a toast. After nearly all the gods had taken their turns hugging you and welcoming you to the pantheon, you found your way back into Hades’ arms.

He took your hand and walked you to the very edge of Olympus, glancing back only once. “See you fools at the next family reunion.”

With that, you two were gone, off to get started on the rest of your eternal lives together...in the Land of the Dead, of all places.

And somewhere, an old woman sitting with her two sisters took a break from her weaving to polish a Particularly Important Eyeball and to admire her own handiwork.

She ran a long, bony finger over her last stitches, where the yard had turned to a cord of celestial gold.

She chuckled.

“Whoever would have thought.”


End file.
